Nicottaenneaous Caffeineiac Musings 102313

• News – is when a known celebrity couple splits up and the girl deletes all photos of them, together, from their instagram account. Really interesting stuff.
• The German Embassy in Manila donates Php13.7M to the earthquake-hit Bohol and Cebu. The Philippine government agencies, however, are still arguing amongst themselves whether to let filipinos know that we have money, just not for everybody.
• Did you know there are more people who can afford DSLRs and yet shoots the same damn thing every time? And they have the gall to watermark all their photos and upload them online.
• Did you know using someone else’s photograph should be called theft, and not plagiarism? There’s a difference. Look it up. It’s the reason you have search engines.
• Do you understand that photography is a kind of theft? What else would you call a captured moment? Why do we call them “take the shot” in the first place.
• We should really start monitoring our politicians and government agencies. They seem to have flunked mathematics and we readily put them in positions that desperately needs some mathematical prowess. Case in point: Taxes, PDAF, and disaster relief funds.

Just a random image to accompany a blog post.

• Admit it. You put too much weight on people’s appearance.
• When asking for help, try to ask in a manner that would tip the favor in your side. People will do it for free, if you ask nicely.
• I’m losing my faith with news and journalism. There’s too much fluff and frills that go with the daily broadcast.
• I’m getting tired of living in the big city. My thoughts are now geared towards landing a big freelance job, or some really steady flow of  low paying but consistent jobs. I’m up to here with city life.
• Lay off of Freddie Aguilar’s love life. When you talk about his love life, you must ne talking about his sex life. And that’s none of your business. People who aren’t getting laid are the ones holding a grudge against people who are getting it.
• You might have guessed, even blogging has taken a back step when I’m illustrating and drawing.

…and I’m just killing time, letting some steam out before the weekend sets in and once again I barricade meself in me batcave and draw some more.

 

The Mourning After

I broke down a while ago.

It came like a runaway truck , with a full load of bricks, going downhill, and I was just crossing the street, oblivious, uncaring, and hit me. I cried like a five-year-old kid who just lost his mom.

It’s sudden. It was inevitable. It was so many things at once. It was everything and nothing and it grabbed me by the throat and squeezed the breath out of my shaking body, while I writhed in pain that nobody could have felt the way I did. I was so deep in it for a while, the tears on my cheeks felt like boiling water,  and I sat here in my room, bawling like a child.

Which is what I am now, a 43-year-old boy whose mother passed away, several months past.

The memory of receiving the news was murky and ghostly, I may have pushed the knowing far back in my mind. So far back it took a small area there with  the regrets, and all the things I wish I have never done, but are neatly folded and kept in a bag. gathering dust and moss, being eaten away by bugs and rats of my consciousness.

I was in denial. I was angry. I was infuriated because of the fact that no one in my family took the time to tell me. I found out my Ina passed away  last February 23. She died on the 20th. I was saddened but I didn’t cry then, and I thought I will not cry.

Until now.

I mourn her passing. I grieve for the loss. I miss my Ina, my mother.

All the thank yous, the petty blames, the apologies now have no place to go. She is gone, and there’s no one to hear me say ” I love you, Ina.”  My heart sank. Still sinking. Still bleeding from the loss. I guess I never really mourned her.

I mourn her now.

I always told friends to treat their loss as a celebration of their passing, to remember the life and not the death. I’m choking on my burned hypocrisy now, swallowing hard and chasing it down with bitter ink.

Rizalinda Robale Paelmo

Goodbye, Ina.

And this is what triggered the sobbing and weeping. A song I have always liked, but never really felt the impact until a while ago. felt like it was written just for me, for this moment of realization.

“I found the tears since you’ve been gone
And I stand in fear, can I make it on my own
Without your love to guide me thru my life
It’s so cold at night without you here
And those gentle arms that held me close and dear
Oh we’re all the same, we all live and die
You’ll always be in my heart, oh Mama don’t you cry
You’ll always live in my dreams, oh Mama don’t you cry
Every night when I close my eyes
I see a light and shadows of your face
It’s always there like an angel over me
So many frozen years hangin’ on my wall
A thousand words, I can hear them call
Oh I tried so hard but I could never say goodbye
Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/LHNi
You’ll always be in my heart, oh Mama don’t you cry
You’ll always live in my dreams, oh Mama don’t you cry
No one can kiss away the pain like you
No one like Mama, no one like you”

“You’ll always be in my heart, oh Mama don’t you cry
You’ll always live in my dreams, oh Mama don’t you cry
(You’ll always be in my heart, oh Mama
don’t you cry – don’t you cry)
(You’ll always live in my dreams) in my
dreams (Oh Mama don’t you cry)
Oh Mama don’t you cry”

[ Mama, Don’t You Cry – Steelheart ]

Moved out: I Want To Stop (2005)

I have decided to move this post here, with all the other illustrations and writing (sort of) I’ve done or about to continue. You can look at it HERE

The rest of the pages can be found HERE.