Watching A Man Die

[I wrote this about 20 years ago. Felt like it was time to publish and get on with life]

dilemma
I’m watching a man die

Everyday, I see this man die each time he wakes
up. Each sunrise should bring everyone of us joy
and hope. Instead, for him, it’s a struggle to
keep calm and check himself from losing grip on
reality. The thought is apalling. To think it’s
all because of this four letter word that keeps
the world going round, or so they say.

He bleeds.

He bleeds each time he sees her. It’s tearing
him apart inside. Sandpaper on his soul. It’s the
knowledge that he can never, ever hold her as
close as he wants her to be. It’s the truth that
he faces everyday that stabs him deep each time,
like a rusty blade, inching deeper, twisting as it
sinks deep. She is free, blooming and living life.
He cries. Tears rolling down, drops hot as
steaming water on burned flesh. Oh what pains must
one man endure to keep his love for this woman he
alone knows, will not be his. Not now. Not ever.

But the sadddest thing is, despite all that
hurt, all that pain. He loves her. Truly. Deeply.
He will do anything and everything in his flimsy
power to give her what she wants.Whatever makes
her happy. Even the man she chose to love, he will
love like a brother. He’s that twisted, scorched,
and stupid.

Amidst all that,he smiles. That what puzzles
me the most. He smiles, remembering all those
times he spent with her. Those memories he grabs
with whiteknuckle desperation. Those sweet
memories he intends to keep for the rest of his
life. And he knows it’s not right. It was a
mistake for others to see. It’s was not meant to
be. Even the age gap is enormous. And the set up
too complicated. He knows this love will bring
pain. And he has accepted it. And the separation
was the most painful thing he has felt so far.
Still this stupid fool smiles.

You’re a fool, I said. Poor fool.

Still, this man I have grown fond of,
smiles. Forget the pain, he said. It’s the
remembering that counts. He never forgets to
whisper “I Love You” whenever the opportunity
presents itself. Each smile she throws at him, a
miracle for his wounded pride. And it’s eating
him up. Tearing him to pieces. Crumbling his will
to live.

But he must continue living. For his children
that brings him unimaginable joy. And he must
live. For his wife.His wife who stuck through
thick and thin. She, whose bones are slowly withering and
wasting down her body.Who promised to love him and their
child. The poor soul who waits, and weeps for him.
The one who loves him like life itself.

How he managed to live two lives, is
something I will never understand.

Poor, dumb fool of a man.

He chooses to live in dilemma.

How long can you live like this? Always
yearning for that other love, the one who will
never comeback, the one who hurts you the most,
the one who hurts you still? Or will you choose to
turn around and look at the eyes of those three
souls who waits, who keeps you in their heart, no
matter what?

And he dies everytime.

I’m watching a man die.

What do you think? Leave a comment . . .

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