Abandon

This is how it feels to be abandoned.

I mean literally left to my own devices, down and out, caught between a rock and a hard place sort of thing. I could picture in my mind Mick Jagger singing those lines.

Abandoned [adjective] {u’ban-dund}

  1. Empty of people and unused, not maintained by the owner or inhabitants
  2. Free from constraint

Nobody’s fault but mine, as Led Zeppelin so eloquently expressed. Because nowadays, the only comfort I can come by is the music and stories that run in my head. And the movies I watch over and over, even doing marathons whenever the opportunity arose.

My recent move from one place to another, the nomadic form of existence which I have come to know intimately for several years now, is tiring and costly. And Papa Was  A Roling Stone , from a more recent cover by George Michael comes to mind. But it’s not that all poetic nor romantic. I n real life, the line “wherever I lay my hat is home” is not something nobody can appreciate. Moving from one place to another means it didn’t work out. And quite frankly, depressing up to a point, because I don’t normally give in to wallowing on failures and pitfalls. And living off of friends and family is something I am loathe to do, but swallowing that bitter pride has made me succumb to anyway. For my defense, I don’t really feel good about having to borrow, and ask, leach whatever morsel that comes off my friendship or from my kin. It’s a sad  state. All because in the middle of all these I still believe in me making it with my art and stories.

Abandon [verb] {u’ban-dun}

  1. Forsake, leave behind
  2. Give up with the intent of never claiming again
  3. Leave behind empty; move out of
  4. Stop maintaining or insisting on ideas or claims
  5. Leave someone who needs or counts on you; leave in the lurch

And this is how it feels to be abandoned. Castaway but without the shipwreck.

And Wilson.

In my times of near-drowning, I was able to create some good designs, works that could have earned me enough to get by for several weeks, but no, I gave them away for free. A previous employer, whom I thought was cool and eccentric turned out to be just another employer, with weird thoughts of altruism. Doing everything in the workplace on minimum wage is okay, but to take the blame for things I don’t even know about just doesn’t make it right. Water under the bridge and all that crap but the memory do smart and leave a mark, like a rash you can’t help but scratch till the skin is red.  So don’t tread on me.

And this is definitely how it feels to be abandoned.

Something like being dropped off at the crossroads with not enough bus fare and nowhere else to go, because burning bridges only urges you to forge ahead. Good thing when reality snaps back, I still have a few contingencies, but these involves cowering and borrowing and holding back the bile that is pride back down my throat. Not ungrateful, mind you, but this kind of living is not what I had I mind. Heaven’s forbid, the thought of crime hasn’t crossed my mind. For those few people who still reach down to pull me up, I intend to repay. With interest.

Abandonment  [noun]

Synonyms

  • Derelict
  • Deserted
  • Desolated
  • Emptied
  • Forsook
  • Gave up
  • Vacated

But being abandoned has its upside.

Makes you have a bit more perspective. So what if employers want younger applicants with nary and idea of how the world works?  Left with less made me write more, create more. Of course there’s the question of materials for the drawings and transportation expenses. In the last couple of weeks I have submitted my resume to 18 businesses with no age limit, went to 8 job interviews and this election has made things hard for job hunters, everything is at a standstill. But I am an optimist. It’s like a lover telling me let’s just be friends and I won’t say anything about it. What’s the use, right? Some of the things I have done for people are left unnoticed, so I leave it at that. All that matters to most of them is how they have helped me and how I have been a burden and, pathetic as it may sound, like feeding a stray cat who just happened to stay for a while and good riddance, finally felt the need to move on somewhere else.

So this is how it is to be abandoned.

But I am not abandoning all hope.

Not one bit.

Yes I may be living in some hole in the wall rental, with a rat, maybe a couple who keeps me up at night and the light on so as not to sleep hugging the squirmy critters. Not quite Joe’s Apartment, but close. Where the floors rattle and hum at the slightest movement, I could feel the couple next door when they are coupling. The place smells of dog shit, cat piss and human waste, but I’ll just call this my bohemian way of living. It’s no different from those shabby apartments in mnovies where the paint on the walls are peeling, plumbing is almost entirely nonexistent, and the toilet bowl is seldom agreeable. But you know what? The owner let me move in without shelling out the downpayment upfront. Now all I’ve got to do is to get enough freelance gigs and earn enough to pay the rent, send some to my family and hopefully finish the stories and drawings for my stories and get them to print and sell the books.

Reading what I have written, things doesn’t seem so bad now, is it? This is therapy for my part. When no one is around to tell stuff, I write. When there’s not enough money to buy food, I draw. Give me a job to do, pay me and I won’t have to borrow. Maybe that is the best way to go. I have to help myself. Too many motion graphics, logo designs and creative ideas I gave away for free, I really should be thinking of earning from them.

Also:

  • Cast aside
  • Cast away
  • Cast out
  • Chucked out
  • Discarded
  • Disposed
  • Flung
  • Left
  • Put away
  • Threw away
  • Threw out
  • Tossed
  • Tossed away
  • Tossed out
  • Went away
  • Went forth

 

Don’t get any ideas. There’s a very short list of people, family and friends who I would drop everything and do things if they nasked me to.. They know it, I know it.

And this is finally making use of what I have, or rather, making up for what is left.

I have never lived beyond my spending capacity, and I have no illusions of doing so in the near future.

So I think I’ll be abandoning the idea of me always helping other people, at the expense of my own survival.

What do you think? Leave a comment . . .

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